Beyond Life and Death
by Isys
Summary: [Obi-WanQui-Gon, Obi-WanAnakin] One-shot angst piece, set right after Episode III. Qui-Gon comforts his old Padawan after his battle with Darth Vader. SLASH.


**Title: Beyond Life and Death**

**Author:** Isys (ffisysyahoo.cim)

**Fandom:** Star Wars

**Pairing:** Obi-Wan / Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan / Anakin

**Rating: **T

**Warning:** One-shot angst piece. This story also contains slash – romantic relationships between two male characters. If this disturbs you in any way, don't read further.

**Disclaimer:** All the characters, settings, and situations in this story are the property of George Lucas, Lucas Films, and their subsequent associates. No copyright infringement is intended; this work is purely for entertainment purposes only.

**Summary:** Takes place at the end of Episode III (contains spoilers). Qui-Gon Jinn comforts his old Padawan after the battle with Anakin / Darth Vader.

**Author's Note:** Written right after watching Episode III. What can I say? I was inspired, especially by Obi-Wan's "You were a brother to me; I loved you!" line. Archive? Just ask.

**oooooo**

It had barely been a week since Yoda had told them that they had to disappear. A week since the Jedi became, instead of the soldiers of peace, the hunted enemies of the Republic. To stay would be suicide – little by little, the remaining Jedi had left the city to begin their new lives in exile.

Savoring his last night inside the Jedi temple, Obi-Wan was inside his bed chambers, surrounded by an echoing silence, inside and outside.

That was how everything had been lately – empty, lifeless

_My Padawan is now a Sith lord._

Only now had the bitter truth really sunken in, but it didn't make bearing it any easier. He had loved Anakin – maybe even more than how a master should love his apprentice – and the heartbreak of his loss was just as hurtful as knowing that he had turned to the Dark Side. Obi-Wan didn't even feel remotely like a Jedi anymore; he felt unaccomplished, mediocre, and worst of all, _guilty._ He even wondered if exile was an appropriate enough punishment for his failures.

_What did I do wrong?_

Taking a deep breath, he decided to engage in the process to commune with his late master Qui-Gon Jinn, taught to him by Yoda. Back when Qui-Gon was still alive, he was the only one whose guidance Obi-Wan ever truly took to heart, and now he needed it more than ever. Slowly, deliberately, Obi-Wan closed his eyes to concentrate.

It wasn't long before Obi-Wan finally heard his master's voice resound in the silence of the chambers.

"You are suffering inside, my old Padawan."

The image of Qui-Gon Jinn shimmered before him, much like a hologram, but as vivid as he was when he was still alive. He hadn't changed – his dark eyes probed Obi-Wan's with the same depth and fatherly wisdom, seemingly reading even the farthest corners of his Padawan's mind. Relief swelled inside Obi-Wan at the sight that he had so missed for over a decade and the despair within him ceased – but only a little.

"Doesn't take the Force to figure out, does it?" Obi-Wan said humorlessly, giving his master a wan smile. He knew what an absolute wreck he must have looked like; Qui-Gon was watching him as though he was looking at Obi-Wan for the first time.

"Tell me," Qui-Gon said simply.

Obi-Wan sighed, burying his head in his hands. Words could simply not describe how he was feeling right now. Anakin, the child that his master had placed all his hopes on and trusted Obi-Wan to train, was now Darth Vader – a twisted, tormented soul trapped in the shell of the Dark Side. Guilt was an understatement; Obi-Wan felt shamefully and painfully responsible for everything.

"Anakin – " he managed to say past the tears that were threatening to spill.

"I don't need to know what happened to him," Qui-Gon interrupted gently. "I already know. What I want to know is what it did to you."

_What it did to me?_ Obi-Wan felt like screaming. _Well, I fell in love with the person destined to be the Chosen One, even when he was obviously in love with someone else and instead of teaching him to be strong I was foolishly thinking of what our life could have been together._

_And now that will never, _ ever_ be… because of me._

Qui-Gon seemed to sense Obi-Wan's inner turmoil and decided to take a guess he had suspected for a long time now.

"Did you love him?" he asked softly.

Obi-Wan's eyes widened for a fraction of a second before turning away from the questioning face of his master. "He was like a brother to me," he said instead, feeling stupid for lying when he knew Qui-Gon would eventually figure it out. "Of course I loved him." _ Yeah, right._

"That's not what I meant, Obi-Wan."

Finally giving in, Obi-Wan bowed his head, wordlessly tracing the pattern on his bedspread. Qui-Gon's yet unanswered question hovered in the air, and Obi-Wan's mind was reeling with memories from what seemed like ages ago.

_Obi-Wan guiding Anakin on how to hold his first light saber, covering the smaller hands with his own._

_Watching with pride as Anakin finally mastered the skill of telekinesis._

_Embracing Anakin after the young man saved Obi-Wan's life. Again._

_Anakin falling for Padmé while Obi-Wan pretended not to see._

And finally, the battle just several nights before. Trembling as he remembered, Obi-Wan looked his master in the eye.

"I loved him… the same way I loved you."

Qui-Gon smiled, apparently not surprised at all. "Maybe even more than you loved me. This is clearly torturing you."

"I lost you to a path all mortals take, Master," Obi-Wan said, his expression stricken with grief. "Anakin… I lost him to the Dark Side."

"A decision he made on his own."

"I was the one who _trained_ him," Obi-Wan insisted. "It was my fault I failed to make him strong enough… to resist the temptations of the Dark Side."

Qui-Gon shook his head. "I would not have left him in your care if I didn't believe you could train him properly," he said adamantly. "You did your job, my Padawan, you made him into what he was. But his choices are still his own. You didn't train him to be a puppet, Obi-Wan. The child has to choose by himself."

Obi-Wan nodded, conceding to his master's ever sound logic, but it didn't make him feel that much better. Tears of exhaustion both physically and emotionally welled up in his eyes as the one question he'd asked himself over and over resurfaced again.

"Why couldn't he choose me?"

Qui-Gon sighed at his lover's anguish, but before he could comfort him Obi-Wan beat him to it. "After you died, Master, he was everything to me… I would have done anything for him."

"Including turning to the Dark Side?" Qui-Gon asked him quietly.

Obi-Wan's head snapped up. "What?"

"I'm asking you, Obi-Wan: if you could save Anakin's life only by powers from the Dark Side, would you do it?"

_I hate it when you ask questions like that._ Obi-Wan was silent as he thought on it. "I don't know," he said at last. "I might… but…"

Qui-Gon smiled knowingly. "That's the exact dilemma young Skywalker had to face," he said wisely. "Fear of losing someone you love… it can make you do things you wouldn't do otherwise. Anakin loved you, Obi-Wan, but he loved Padmé, too. Between the two of you, who do you think is the stronger one, the more likely to survive the war?"

"Me," Obi-Wan answered resignedly.

"Of course. And so he tried to help Padmé instead of you; he believed in your strength that much. Everything just backfired, Obi-Wan. The Dark Side of the Force is more often than not a way one-way trip, you know that. You couldn't have saved him once he was that far gone."

Obi-Wan swallowed, trying to keep his feelings in check. "He tried to kill me," he said, his voice no more than a whisper. "The Anakin I knew would never have done that."

Qui-Gon sighed. "Obi-Wan, you know that that wasn't Anakin anymore. He was a dangerous Sith lord in the making. You did the right thing."

That managed to get a slight smile from Obi-Wan, and for the first time things didn't look as bleak as it used to be. He shook his head at his master. "You have an annoying habit of being right all the time, you know that?"

"Naturally," Qui-Gon replied with a nonchalant shrug. Obi-Wan chuckled.

Together they sat there in silence, deep in thought. But there was something else Obi-Wan had to say. He reached out for Qui-Gon's hand, only to have his own hand pass right through the two-dimensional form of his master. Obi-Wan had to stifle a gasp of pain and loss; Qui-Gon averted his eyes, filled with a similar hurt.

"I miss you, Master," Obi-Wan blurted out. "I loved Anakin, but he never replaced you."

Smiling sadly, Qui-Gon reached out to cup his Padawan's face, running his fingers across the familiar feel of Obi-Wan's lips, even if it was physically impossible. "I'm sorry I had to leave this burden on you."

Obi-Wan could not stop a tear from falling from his eye, desperate to feel the touch that was both there and not there. Perhaps if he willed it enough, he would be able to feel the intimate touch of his master on his skin, one that he thought he'd lost forever since Qui-Gon had died. The memory was so distant yet Obi-Wan had never let it go… not even when he held Anakin that way. But no matter how real the image of Qui-Gon looked, Obi-Wan knew there was no power within his grasp that could bring his beloved back from the dead.

_Dead…_

"Master," he said, almost uncertainly. "Do you think… Anakin is still alive?"

"You'd be able to sense it if he were, wouldn't you?" Qui-Gon rested his hand on Obi-Wan's chest. "What does your heart tell you?"

A moment of quiet. "He's alive…" Obi-Wan said wearily, his eyes falling closed at the thought.

"That doesn't seem to make you too happy," Qui-Gon observed.

"It doesn't," Obi-Wan said, looking up at his master, and it pained Qui-Gon to see his lover in such immense sorrow and yet remain powerless to wipe his tears away. Obi-Wan took a deep breath, as though even the words were too painful to say. "I left him to die once. I don't think I can do it a second time."

Qui-Gon offered him a comforting smile. "We'll deal with it when it comes, love. I promise." At that, his Padawan nodded, his eyes distant yet now more resolved.

His lips parted to utter one request. "Hold me, Master. I need you."

Complying with Obi-Wan's heartfelt plea, Qui-Gon summoned every ounce of power within him to make Obi-Wan feel his arms around him, his fingers caressing the back of Obi-Wan's neck, cradling him as he lay down on his bed. The contented sigh Obi-Wan gave in return told Qui-Gon he was successful; tilting Obi-Wan's chin upward, he kissed him fully, passionately, offering him again the love he had once given him years ago.

_Nothing has changed, beloved._

"I love you, Master," Obi-Wan whispered, running his thumb over Qui-Gon's lips both in fierce gratitude and possessiveness.

"Then let Anakin go," Qui-Gon urged him, tenderly tucking a lock of Obi-Wan's hair behind his ear. "Let him go as you once did to me. It won't make your love for him any less."

There was no reply from Obi-Wan save for the calmer, more content smile on his lips. _Just like letting you go didn't make me love you any less._

"Sleep, my love. I'll be watching over you."

And for the first time since he last saw Anakin, Obi-Wan slept peacefully, even if he knew that Qui-Gon would not be there when he woke up. He'd be alone once again, back to the reality he'd managed to abandon for a brief moment. But that was all right; the last thing that he knew before he succumbed to slumber was his master's voice, the love of his life, and the wisest person he'd ever known.

_I'll be watching over you._

**Fin**


End file.
